~ The Parcell's ~: Never say Enough is Enough!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Never say Enough is Enough!

What a tumultuous day! In spite of the news that I have already posted, I have more sad news to share! This morning I was informed by my dad when I called to tell him about my Tumor, that my Grandma's chemotherapy had been paused and she had become very ill. So weak and dehydrated that she was admitted to the hospital for around the clock care. Later this evening, we got news that she was in bad shape and that she decided to take her feeding tube out. This by her doctor meant that she had little time left on this earth. Quickly we rallied as brothers and sisters and planned to drive up to see her tomorrow. Knowing that my goodbye was imminent, I reached another breaking point and took Toby our dog for a walk. While I was out my sister called to tell me that we only had minutes to call and say our goodbyes over the phone because she was hanging on by a thread. I ran so fast in spite of a retarded foot and several near falls I almost strangled my dog. My chest was burning and my heart was throbbing. I wanted to drive up to Ogden immediately. I still do! I made it home and called my sweet and crazy Grandma! A brief goodbye shared with Nick was filled with intense love and the bitter realization of Good Bye! How do you say goodbye for the last time? How do you let go, and express that it's ok for her to let go as well? Choking down tears we quickly reminisced about my college years out here when she was the key to my sanity! Told her our children love her and miss her garden delights! Tomatoes, Raspberries, Strawberries, zucchini, potatoes,and of course her beautiful flowers! Short and sweet but engulfed with compassion and a true bond of love! I realize that many people brush over the loss of a grandparent, but the pain in my chest is piercing. I have watched Nick lose his dad and his Uncle and his brother. He is so strong and I feel so weak! I feel as though my heart is being pulled and stretched beyond its capabilities. I know she will be out of her pain and that yes indeed she will be in a better place. Yes I know and yes it will be for the best. I am not going to say enough is enough because well, it can and will get worse. As I sit here typing these words I ache to be by her side, but strangely I am comforted with a peace that I am where I need to be right now. Grandma, I love you, and I always will! Go peacefully, and let go of your pain. You have been a great example to me and a beacon of strength. Your humor and zest for life are a true inspiration! Those of you who met my Grandma are blessed and those who did not, I am sorry. She was an amazing woman in whom I will deeply miss! Death is a part of this life and I am ok with these truths. It is just a reminder to the reality that we never know what tomorrow will bring. Hug you child longer, kiss your husband goodnight. Say those words, " I Love You!" often and never hold back on a hug! So to that, I say I love you to all my family and friends. I hold you all close to my heart and I am so lucky to have you all in my life. Nick I love you so much! I am so grateful to you and for your love. I cherish your compassion and look to you as my best friend and eternal companion. Thank you for all you do! Conner came in moments ago and asked me if he could say a blessing prayer for my Grandma! Tears in his eyes we prayed together for her. Peace of the holy ghost and our constant companion is always there. I am ok and know that her life will be cherished and her memory embraced! Goodbye Grandma I love you!

2 comments:

THE LIFE OF THE CHRISTENSEN'S said...: I'm so sorry for your loss and the trials you are going through. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Please call if there is anything we can do to help. We love you guys!; Friday, December 05, 2008 8:53:00 AM
Moss Family said...: Awe... Jen, I am sorry for your loss. It's really not easy to say goodbye... even when you know it is not really goodbye, but a "see you later" and that they will be out of pain and busily preparing things for you on the other side. I lost my grandma just 2 months ago and we saw it coming, but it was still hard. My feelings are still on the surface about her loss, but talking about it and remembering her helps me feel that peace again. You're lucky to be surrounded with such a great support system. You are a great mom and wife... continue to cherish those relationships to help you fill the void of your grandmother. We love you too and wish we were closer to help you!; Friday, December 05, 2008 3:15:00 PM

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Dear friends and family,I recently changed templates and in the process lost most of my blog! I was so devastated since I had been obsessed with my blog and worked very hard. In the days that have followed I have replaced and added most of what I lost. Except for a post on our story. I was overwhelmed at the thought of rewriting it due to it's size and it's emotional effect that is has on me. I had resolved to let it go, that is until my dad flat out told me to put it back on! So here I am back at the beginning and ready to put my heart out once again! Nick and I will be reaching our ninth anniversary in August. We are extremely blessed and have much to be grateful for! When I met Nick it all happened so fast, yet I never doubted the feelings that I had. We got married and one month into our marriage we found out that I was pregnant. "Oh dear!" This was not what we had envisioned. Nick struggled with the reality while I blissfully took on my role as mother. Well maybe not so blissfully, but I had excepted that I was going to have a baby. At about five months into the pregnancy Nick finally came around. We were not ready, but we were very excited. Caden was born on the fourth of July! I remember that night as I held my brand new baby as I stood there staring out the window watching the spectacular fireworks! I was so overwhelmed with the moment that I had tears streaming down my face. That night Nick held Caden in his arms sleeping with him in his arms the whole night! It was such an amazing moment. Caden was a great baby, but he had some problems with going to the bathroom. When he was a month old he was admitted to Primary Children's Hospital where they did a rectal biopsy. It was very scary, but to our relief the tests came back negative. We struggled to find a solution over the next eight months. A specialist helped out with some of the pain issues, but he still had issues. One day we got tickets to go to a Jazz game for free! I did not have time to pump milk so we left him with formula and some whole milk just in case! He refused the formula and downed the whole milk! From that day on he never has had another problem. It was either something in my breast milk that hurt or something in the whole milk that helped! I will never know, but we were so happy to have a thriving baby once again. Who would of thought that a Jazz game would be such a blessing!Nick got hired on with Qwest and we moved up to Riverdale. Shortly after that we got pregnant with Ashley. It seemed that we were on cloud nine! Until Nick was layed off and days before Ashley was born we had to move to Spanish Fork. Nick worked for Fibertel and any other odd job he could do. He worked like a slave to make money for our family. He never once complained about all the hard work. He was such a trooper. His hard work payed off and since Qwest lost in court for the layoffs, we got his job back. Suddenly things were again looking good! Except for the kitchen fire that almost burned Ashley's sweet little face. No one got hurt so that was a huge blessing. We were living life and enjoying our tedious life, until one day every thing changed! I was holding Ashley and I slipped and fell down all fourteen steps. I seriously hurt my back and completely broke my tailbone. It was very painful and it seemed that the doctors couldn't help. It was also a hard time due to the fact that when I fell I knocked my IUD out of place and it got infected as well as my getting pregnant and due to the infection I miscarried. The pain was enormous yet my family suffered as well. I just handled the pain and said a lot of prayers and moved on with life as best as I could. Months passed by and I knew it was time for a baby! Nick was not as sure as I was since Ashley had a lot of ear infections and was either the happiest baby or the worst. No middle ground at all. We all lost sleep and Nick was still recovering. After weeks of persuading and a week moment on his part, I was pregnant. I knew that we were supposed to have four kids, but I also knew that this was my last pregnancy. So I immediately began praying for twins. My prayers were as always heard. I knew right away that I was carrying twins. I had this uncanny awareness that it was twins and that one was a boy and the one lowest was a girl. Nick was in shock, but he was excited as well. He was nervous because we were doubling our kid count and our mortgage all at the same time. We had just begun building out first home. At first things went really well! Nineteen weeks came and I started having problems with my heart. At twenty four weeks I passed out and Nick had to carry me out to car and rush me to the hospital. He was so scared and worried for me and the babies. Once there they decided to keep me there and monitor my heart and the babies. I went into labor and they gave me magnesium sulfate a drug that stops labor and makes you very sick! It stopped the contractions but for the next two months I was in and out of the hospital. Bed rest is the worst and especially when you have a four year old and a two year old not understanding. Halloween came and then the very next day at 351/2 weeks the twins were born. Allie came flying out and with very effective lungs. Conner was transverse so my Dr. reached up and pulled him out! It was very intense for everyone involved, especially when he came out and was blue and not crying or moving! I thought he was gone and it did not help that a team of doctors rushed him out! It seemed like forever, while they brought out Allie and tried to distract us with her very loud health. I was dying inside and the sudden quietness pierced my soul. In the distance a dull cry began that quickly escalated into a full on tantrum! It was Conner and he was alive and screaming! I could breath again and I knew that he would be ok. Two weeks in the Nicu they were finally ready to go home but first I got to hold them together for the first time. It was a sweet moment that carried me through the many difficult and sleepness nights! When the twins were four months old I had my first back surgery. It was supposed to have been a week recovery. Not so much! It only made things worse and I could not do much of anything. A year passed by and I finally found a neurosurgeon who knew what he was doing! He did some tests and was shocked by the results. He said that he did not know how I was walking since the trauma was so bad! I was scheduled for surgery, and began making arrangements for my four children.The surgery was only supposed to be two hours but it ended up being six and a half hours long! They told Nick that it was such a mess inside and they ended up fusing my entire lower lumbar. The nerve expansion they did was crucial, but it was a little too late since when I woke up, I could not move my right leg from the knee down. I also had a drop foot so I walked like a trotting horse for months. I was still in major pain two months later and a cat scan proved effective. It showed that the lowest fusion had failed and bowed away from the bone. This caused three bone fragments to break off and fall into my nerve. Excruciating pain! The next morning I had surgery to redo the fusion and remove the fragments. Recovery was slow, but I was doing great. I began working out and healing was advancing every week! I had some minor set backs with ovarian cysts, one of which I had removed and biopsied due to some hardened masses they found. It all worked out ok and I continued getting better with my back. So much better in fact that they decided to take out all of the metal in my back. I had so much bone growth that the hardware was being rejected. In January they took it all out. It went remarkably well. I was feeling great when I started to feel tired and almost pregnant like. I kept brushing the thought away since I had had my tubes tied. I gave in and took a test. It came back positive! Thirty minutes later I began to miscarry. This was actually a blessing in disguise, since carrying a baby would have been very dangerous to me and a baby.I went and saw a specialist who informed me that due to my history and current situation, a hysterectomy was necessary. It was scheduled for the end of February. The was a success and recovery began that way as well. That night, I got the flu and threw up violently. Unknown until later, I had ripped all of my stitches open and for a day I had massive internal bleeding that was blocked off by a huge clot. When I did start bleeding it happened very fast. I was rushed back into surgery before Nick could even get there. The next morning, I had lost over half of my bodies blood count. I needed a blood transfusion. A couple of days later I was home and on my way to recovery! It has gone really well, other than getting tired I find that I feel pretty good! So why have I shared this with the world? Good question! Well my answer is this. I may not have all the answers and I don't know why we have had to go through so much, but I do know that we are stronger for it! We have been thrown into so many bad situations, but have come out standing stronger and happier. I would like to take this chance to thank my friends and family who have been there for me and my family every step of the way! It was never easy, but no matter how difficult, the support was always there! Thank you! I would also like to tell my husband that I love him so much and that I am so sorry that I have been such a burden. Through out all of this time Nick has suffered from terrible acid reflux. It is so bad that he had a scope done that was biopsied showing that he had Barrett's Esophagus Cancer! He is such a trooper! Medicine will hopefully keep it at bay and regular scopes. The road has not been easy, but it has been very worth it! We have an amazing family and together we know that we can get through anything and that while we are getting through things, we are enjoying all the small things and loving the big things! "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!"

~ The Parcell's ~

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Never say Enough is Enough!

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